“Why do we do all this rushing around for one day? It’s crazy!” I heard this in my local Tesco the other day and gave it some thought.  

Whether you celebrate Christmas or not, it’s the holiday season and Christmas Day is almost upon us.  Love it or hate it, it’s unavoidable for a good few weeks of the year.  We start seeing Christmas fare in the shops before Hallowe’en these days and this can bring on feelings of dread as well as excitement.

While many people love everything about it, it can also be a very stressful time.  Let’s face it, we often get together with family we might not otherwise see, send cards, buy, wrap and stash all the gifts, plan menus, buy and prepare loads of extra food, decorate the house and make sure it’s  presentable, ladies often want to get their hair and nails done specially, buy new clothes etc etc.

It’s a lot of extra effort and expense for one day and for many people, the original meaning of the day is not significant.  It’s more about being a family day, where everyone gathers to enjoy each other’s company, wear party hats, pull crackers, eat a festive meal, play games, watch TV and generally have a good time while trying not to get into any arguments with anyone.

And there’s the rub.  There’s such a lot going on before the big day that by the time it arrives, many folk are exhausted.  Stress levels are higher than usual due to all the extra demands on our time, and expectations are pretty high too.  Some of us want everything to be perfect and then get upset when things don’t go according to plan. Or difficult relatives can drive us mad but we don’t want to be rude to them. 

Really, it’s an unnatural situation that we may find uncomfortable and sometimes, that built up stress gets the better of us.  We may end up feeling resentful because we haven’t expressed how we feel at the appropriate time in an appropriate way and we may end up blowing our top. Then we feel guilty and ashamed afterwards, none of which is good for us, and it certainly spoils the enjoyment of the day for everyone.

So what can we do to try and avoid all this?  Here are some suggestions.

Me Time

Make sure you set aside some time, half an hour if you can manage it, every day for yourself.  We all need some time to decompress occasionally to figure out how we’re feeling and why, so maybe have a bubble bath, go for a walk, read a book or just relax in some way, away from the hubbub.  

What’s Gone Well?

Recognise all the things that you have already accomplished and that you are pleased with.  Focus on what’s been good, rather than what’s gone wrong (hopefully nothing, but you can always improvise if need be!)

It’s Good Enough

Acknowledge that if you can’t do it all, then that’s just how it is.  It may not be perfect or live up to everyone’s expectations, but it will still be fine!  It doesn’t mean lowering standards, just adapting how we think about things.

Be Kind to Yourself

People often underestimate how important it is to treat themselves well.  Some examples are:

• Make sure you’re getting enough sleep as this will help with your mood and energy levels the next day.
• Don’t scold yourself if you don’t manage to get it all done perfectly.  Be accepting and talk to yourself as you would to a friend (see It’s Good Enough!)  
• Eat well and stay hydrated – we want to avoid negative feelings so instead of eating and drinking too much rich food and drink, which you may later regret, eat well and drink plenty of water.  This will always stand you in good stead and help you feel your best when demands are high and energy levels may be low.

I once came across a post by someone who realised that instead of saying she deserved an extra slice of cake as a reward for all her hard work, she would tell herself that she deserved not to have it because she knew it wasn’t good for her and she valued herself too much to have it.  Instead, she rewarded herself with something else that wasn’t food.  I really liked how this lady thought about what she deserved and it stuck with me; maybe you’ll like it too.

I hope some of this is helpful this holiday season and that you have the best time with your loved ones.

If you find you’re facing more stress or anxiety than usual, get in touch to see how I can help you with solution focused hypnotherapy.  You’re also welcome to use my free relaxation audio any time to help calm things down.

 

It’s definitely that time of year again and autumn is well under way.  The days are so much shorter now the clocks have gone back and we in the UK are seeing fewer hours of daylight, never mind sunshine.  It’s colder, rainier and greyer than it was just a few short weeks ago and this will continue for several months.  The leaves are now dropping rapidly from the trees and it feels as if winter is fast approaching.

Along with the short days comes an increase in Seasonal Affective Disorder, or SAD, which millions of people worldwide experience and most of them are women. Although we usually think of SAD affecting people in the northern hemisphere, it affects those furthest from the equator in the southern hemisphere too.

Perhaps surprisingly, some people find they experience SAD more during the summer months and feel better during the winter because it is, after all, a seasonal disorder, but most find their symptoms return during the autumn and ease up once spring arrives.

SAD is a form of depression with familiar symptoms, for example:

• feeling low
• not wanting to go out or see friends and family
• taking no, or little, pleasure in activities you would normally enjoy
• feeling lethargic and sleeping more
• comfort eating more often, especially carbohydrates
• difficulty concentrating
• low sex drive

So what can be done about it if you, a friend or family member is affected by SAD?  Well, we know that because vitamin D levels drop during the winter months due to the lack of sunlight, it’s important to boost our levels by taking a vitamin D supplement from around September or October until March or April.  Here are some more, Solution Focused, things you can do which will all help you feel better too:

• go outside as early as you can to get some daylight, even on cloudy days
• build into your daily routine some form of exercise, even walking (especially outside)
• make sure you’re seeing other people, even if it’s just for a walk or a coffee
• think about and plan activities that you enjoy so you have things to look forward to
• make sure you’re getting enough sleep, but not too much (7-9 hours is optimal for most people)
• get a light box

If you think you might benefit from some extra support this autumn and winter, start now by getting in touch for a free initial consultation and we’ll talk about how I can help you. 

 

October is ADHD Awareness Month so I thought I’d bring it to your attention, pardon the pun!

Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, or ADHD, seems to be in the news more and more these days, with NHS waiting lists for a diagnosis sadly being several years long. More and more adults, especially women, are also being diagnosed as our preconceived notions of what ADHD really is are being challenged. It’s something you’re born with but as you grow up, your symptoms may change as you learn to adapt to what society expects, and while there’s no definitive gene responsible for ADHD, it does tend to run in families. And each person with ADHD experiences it differently so what I explore below doesn’t cover everything. Let’s take a quick look at what it might be like to have ADHD as an adult.

First, the name can be misleading. As a woman diagnosed in her midlife, I can say that we don’t necessarily have a deficit, or shortage, of attention; more likely the issue is focusing that attention on the right thing, at the right time and for the right length of time! While we sometimes have a hard time focusing on things when we need to, some of us can hyper-focus when we’re really interested in something, like writing this blog post for example. Instead of doing other things that needed doing, because I’m really interested and invested in this subject, I have literally spent hours writing, editing and perfecting it, so that it’s “just right” (if that’s even possible) even if it means I forgot to have lunch! If this also sounds like perfectionism, you’re right, because that is also closely associated with ADHD. Unfortunately, even though we know we’re doing it, we just can’t stop. It’s like an itch that has to be scratched.

We used to think that ADHD mainly affected boys who just couldn’t sit still or even stay seated, stop fidgeting or calling out in the classroom. While this description can be accurate in some cases, there were always girls who had ADHD as well; they just often didn’t behave in the same way as the boys and slipped through the net. They grew into women who struggled with life, sometimes in different ways from boys and men, and many adults are now looking for answers, validation and sometimes, medication.

So it’s not about bad behaviour, it’s a developmental impairment of the brain’s executive function capabilities. But what does that even mean? It means that our brains developed differently from most other people’s brains. We are considered to be neurodivergent while the vast majority of people are said to be neurotypical. It means that some of the systems that make our brains work developed differently and so we have difficulty regulating attention, managing activity levels and emotions, and/or impulsivity.

There are actually three types of ADHD: hyperactive, inattentive and combined, meaning that you can have ADHD with hyperactivity, without hyperactivity (and this is often where we find the girls and women), or you could have a mix of both. Each person will have their own set of ADHD traits, so we’re all unique in our own special ways!

The hyperactivity that adults experience may include restlessness and a feeling of having to move around a lot. They may fidget, get bored quickly, and engage in risk-taking behaviours. They may have racing thoughts all the time and can sometimes be noisy and talkative because they have so much to say, so many thoughts in their head they just need to get it all out.

They may be impulsive and interrupt in the middle of a conversation because they just can’t wait their turn. Or they may not be able to help themselves from buying something random while out shopping, or making expensive purchases even if they can’t afford them.

Inattentive ADHD looks quite different – these are the people (again mainly, but not always, girls and women) who are lost in thought much of the time, contemplating all sorts of things. Sometimes though, they can become hyper-focused on one specific thing to the exclusion of everything else (see above), even if they have deadlines to meet or places to be, because they lose track of time and are, consequently, often late.  They are said to have time-blindness.

They can find it difficult to follow instructions, pay attention to details and concentrate on tasks as they are easily distracted and can often have brain fog. They are often disorganised, lose and/or forget things, they have trouble getting started on tasks and they may also procrastinate (which are not the same thing). They may walk into a room for something, but forget why or they may lose their train of thought mid-sentence. Clearly, these traits are not bad behaviour either, they are executive function impairments that cause great distress to those who experience them, including feelings of shame, self-doubt and imposter syndrome.

These are the people who, as children, received criticism and judgement, often from their parents, many, many more times than other children, leading to low self-esteem and feelings of shame and inadequacy. Examples are, “Why can’t you just…?”, “Why did you…?”, “Why do you always…?” and so on. Or from teachers: “Sit down!”, “Pay attention!” or “Get on with your work!”

Combined ADHD is a mix of both types, in differing degrees.

As previously mentioned, many ADHDers experience low self-esteem and they can feel misunderstood and fatigued. They may also experience sensory and sensitivity overload, for example noisy or crowded places can just be too much to handle for some people.

It can be stressful living with ADHD for the individual concerned and their families, and all of these experiences and feelings can understandably lead to anxiety in the long term, or even be exacerbated by it. Many people are, in fact, mistakenly diagnosed with anxiety and this may be one reason why we are now seeing lots of late ADHD diagnoses.

Lastly, Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, or RSD, is very common in ADHDers and is to do with how the brain processes emotion and regulates responses, which is a whole other topic! Briefly though, while not an official diagnosis, it’s when people have an extreme emotional response to what they think is criticism or rejection and can even be felt when they’re paid a compliment. It can be extremely painful, creating unbearable feelings of sadness, anger, shame, worthlessness and more. It can result in physical symptoms too, such as poor sleep and not being able to eat.

It’s not all bad though.  People with ADHD can also be great problem solvers, creative and original thinkers. They can also have great intuition and empathy. There are many famous ADHDers, for example Michael Phelps, Jamie Oliver, Simone Biles, Tom Hanks, Lucy Bronze, Richard Branson, Tom Holland, Cat Burns – the list goes on!

It is also very likely that Albert Einstein, Leonardo da Vinci and Jean-Jacques Rousseau had ADHD as they displayed traits such as disorganisation, forgetfulness, procrastination and scattered interests as well as being highly intelligent and creative.

Well, that was a lot, but if any of this has been useful and you’d like help managing your ADHD, do get in touch and book a free consultation to see how Solution Focused Hypnotherapy and I can help you.

Disclaimer: Please note that I’m not qualified to diagnose anyone with ADHD and having one or more of the above-mentioned symptoms does not automatically mean you have ADHD! If you suspect you may have it, please do see your GP. The above information is based on my own observations and copious amounts of research.